Image: DIY.com
Image: PoetryFoundation.org

Image: PoetryFoundation.org

Are you addicted to Self Love? Here I was lying in a sea of books, articles, and YouTube videos that were all rooted in telling me why self-love was the way out of my pain and confusion. I was listening to over a trillion motivational speakers, pastors, and celebrities, who shared some of the same experiences as I with heartbreak. I’ve researched numerous services dedicated to helping hurt women find their way to self-esteem and self-worth. My iPhone had a load of saved quotes, phrases, and pictures that I believed reinforced the idea of why I needed to let go of my pain and past. After eight years of trying to heal, I found myself buried under all the noise of how to heal and I still had not found my way to loving who I was and where I was. I still found myself holding on to my past.

Only recently did it hit me… I started to realize that it was becoming an OBSESSION. I was staying up all night long. From 12am to 3am to 5am, I watched, listened, and read every video and writing you could find on healing your heart and finding your way to self-love. I emailed and texted video links so I could share my 3am “AHA” moments of clarity. I wrote in my journal pages and pages of thoughts, questions, and emotions. Then out of nowhere, (and on time might I add) the youngest of the Knowles clan “Out dat  H-town, coming, coming down…” Solange, drops her third album “A Seat at the Table”. I will refrain from going into total holy convulsions for the sake of completing this post. I will, however, dive into her track entitled “Cranes In the Sky”. This song so simply and eloquently written and arranged, details the very behaviors some women go through to avoid feeling their way through pain and loss. We go through the motions with no emotion. From blank smiles to thoughtless robot conversations “Hey gurl!” “Hey boo!” “How you doin?” {Ugh! blah, blah}. We do it to divert the attention away from the sting in our chest. With the press of a button we “power on” the robot in us.

essence.com

Image: essence.com

Solange goes on to describe some of the robotic things she may have done to escape and hide the task of sitting in the pain. When you have life to deal with in general, a job to report to, a child to raise, or a friend to hang out with, pain can become a burden. The burden of disappointment, shame, insecurity, fear, or plainly put of dealing. You see I believe that all the books I read, quotes I saved, emails I forwarded was all my unconscious decision to avoid feeling. I became so obsessed with YouTube channels dedicated to healing my heart. I figured if I had read enough and listened to enough Iyanla’s, and Oprah’s of the world, I could READ myself to love myself. I could LISTEN and WATCH all of my pain away. Solange sings, “I tried to drink it away. I tried to put one in the air. I tried to dance it away. I tried to change it with my hair. I tried to keep myself busy. I slept it away. I sexed it away. I read it away.”  It dawned on me… how many of us were laying in bed, night after night looking for the recipes to discovering self-love? How many of us were lurking on social media looking for answers, while comparing ourselves to other women? Nothing is wrong with seeking the inspiration, but the blunder is in the obsession of it. I became enthralled with seeking the potion to self-love but failed to drink the shit.

It has been my experience, that only time, solitude, and practice will reveal the pathway to healing and discover your self-worth. No matter where your heartbreak may have originated from (friends, career, family, childhood, lover, etc.) the lesson is you can read yourself into a self-love and inspirational paralysis! Without actually practicing your learnings you are simply a self-love robot. Yo’ robot ass is walking around weighed down with books, articles, and screenshots totaling in the triple digits!  Prancing around with a vacant smile, doing any, and everything to give yourself a temporary feeling of progress. Love you but, you have got to come out of this trance and do some real self-love work…lol.

Rebel On,

Antres Finnie

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