courtesy of

Iyanla taught me self-love. I would like to share with you what I now know about how I should show up in my next relationship. Ha! I would have never thought I would even reach that type of self-reflection. It’s called ownership. Here are three key things I know now. Hopefully, these things Iyanla taught me about self-love may also offer some help to those in need:

Act like you know the truth – Iyanla Vanzant “My Fairy Goddess”

Iyanla taught me self-love, starts with this first phrase: “You can lie to anyone in the world. You can hustle anyone in the world. However, the very last person you should ever lie to or hustle is YOURSELF.” He would tell me over and over that, he was not looking for a relationship and wasn’t sure if we would be back together. After hearing his truth, I started to lie to myself. I told myself, I could stick it through and I could change his mind. After all, we had known each other since we were 19 and 20 years of age; there’s history! Girl bye. We as women have got to stop lying to ourselves and act like we know the truth about what is being said, what is being done, and make a decision that honors the true desires of our hearts. NON-NEGOTIABLE.

I have to be what I want. – If I want to be respected, loved truly, experience loyalty, then I have to BE those things. Usually, when we do not embody the fullness of the things we value, those things release from our grasp. So are you what you say you are looking for? If not, it’s time to go back to step number one.

I fired my body double and stand-in – Enough already. When I would go out on dates, I would send the version of me that I thought he would appreciate or have interest in. For example, if he was witty, conservative, or smart then I would mimic that and try to mirror his personality. That mess does not work. Eventually, the real you will come out and he will fall off the bandwagon of interest. So why waste time in the first place? If you are loud and like to eat, then that part of you needs to show up. Stop pretending. 9 times out of 10, he’s faking, too, because that is the frequency you give off. You attract what you are thinking, exhibiting, and say. So WATCH IT. Ask him questions on the first date, like if he is interested in getting married or wants kids. Don’t wait. You need to know this stuff now. If you are still going off the “old school” mentality of just be easy on him, then how will you ever know? (And don’t say with time. What kind of time you got? 5 maybe 6 more years?) nah, Sis.

I guess when it all boils down to what I know now, it’s basically to be honest to and with myself. Tell the truth TO yourself. When we lie to ourselves, we give others the automatic permission to do so, too. So look yourself in the mirror and ask, what do you want? Who are you? How will you choose to show up in your next relationship? Real talk.