Each year, I am forced to peel back the layers of my life; in particular, my houses of career and finance. However, it is my house of love that’s been the most difficult. I believed my ideas about each were reasonable, only to later find out I’d been living in insanity, spewing out confused intentions with a closed heart and mind — just a bunch of garbled noise.
I gave the Universe noise and wondered why I got back confusion in return.
I’m a spiritual gal, so I used last month’s Full Moon as a conduit to set a new intention for my career, health, and love. Usually, I don’t notice the effects of spiritual meditation but was blown away by how things began to manifest immediately. The layers I’d held onto began to finally shed, not just peel and the answers to the questions that plagued me became clear.
Through these answers, I was able to dig deep to the root of why my relationships ended how they did. Not only did I recognize the patterns in the men I dated, I realized, all this time, I’ve blocked love. Among those reasons, I’m sharing the top 5 that affected me the most. It’s quite possible you could be doing the same.
I didn’t know how I needed to be loved
When I learned about my Love Languages, I was amazed at what I discovered. I’m not the most effective communicator with regard to my feelings and this led to a lot of disappointment. The disappointment, along with my distorted views on love, kept me blocked. It took YEARS to recognize everyone doesn’t express love the same. I let go of what I was taught and defined it for myself using my personal values, beliefs, wants, needs, and desires as a foundation. Without defining love, how can we express what we need to our partner. Once we know the what, we can then relay the how.
I didn’t love myself
When you don’t love yourself, you don’t know how to be loved. The two are synonymous. We teach people how to love us and it starts within. There’s a point during my adolescence years where I stopped loving myself. Eventually, it spilled over into my teenage and adult years. Add splashes of low self-esteem and daddy issues, and it’s a toxic cocktail that illuminates the wrong energy. This energy attracted emotional manipulators, users, and abusers who wanted nothing more than to stand on my insecurities in order to hide theirs.
I mirrored the men I attracted
When you realize you mirror the people you attract (romantic and platonic) your world comes crashing down. It stings to accept that men you dated were a direct reflection of you and your energy. I had to admit to being an insecure asshole, with body image issues, who didn’t recognize my worth or felt comfortable standing firm in my convictions. In turn, I ended up dating insecure assholes with self-esteem issues, who constantly danced around their feelings, and consistently made me feel small to enhance their egos. Because I never cleared my emotional cache, I brought the issues from past relationships into new ones.
I never allowed myself to feel
My parents divorced when I was 6. It took me 20 years to accept I wasn’t the reason and I never discussed how it made me feel. I placed it in a special compartment in my brain. Since then, I’ve never allowed myself to feel. I’d cry for less than a minute, then move on. I’d drown myself in work to block the feeling. I only made it to therapy twice but in those two sessions, learned I mask my emotions with intellect and made it easy for me to cover up what I believed were flaws and weaknesses. This also made it easy for me to disappear when I felt unwanted and push people away who got too close.
My fear of rejection pushed people away
The divorce was my first experience with rejection. I believed my father didn’t want me; that I behaved so badly, it caused him to leave. That was clearly not the case; however, at 6 years of age, this is what I rationalized and never told anyone how I felt. I believed, at that age, sharing those feelings meant I was complaining or being whiny, so I internalized. Fearful of what I’d say wouldn’t be well-received, I eventually kept people at a distance. I only allowed those who I believed understood me, to get close. I categorized people, shared the intimate parts of myself with those who showed trust and loyalty. Even built a wall that blocked damn near any man from reaching me. A man will come for you; however, when the wall so high he can’t climb it, there’s only so much he’ll do before he gives up and walks away.
You probably don’t even realize you’ve blocked love.
Caught up and blinded by your own personal experience, not brave enough to do the work and uncover why your relationships are a hamster wheel. You cycle through lovers, refusing to assess the landscape from both ends. That one-sided view added to the reasons why I blocked love. I played a role in why things fell apart and when I accepted my role, it became easier for me to make the necessary corrections to prepare for the right love to come along.
Don’t block yourself from love. Do the work and I guarantee, the right man will come straight to you.
This post was originally published by Vee here.