2017 is upon us and so are new trends in our culture as single women. While we know that single women have been finding alternative ways to have a baby without a man long before 2017, a new method seems to be emerging here recently (or at least it’s new to me). It’s what I’m calling the “arranged pregnancy” method.
I’ve coined this term, “arranged pregnancy” to describe a pregnancy that occurs as the result of a single woman’s decision to have a baby with a man who she is not romantically involved with, with his verbal or written consent. It is essentially a casual encounter with the intent to conceive a baby and raise that child according to the terms of their agreement as two separate individuals. The romantic relationship is not required and in many cases, unwanted. I have had this conversation with three different friends of mine who are seriously considering this, on separate occasions within a 30 day period. So this arrangement is becoming more frequently considered than you might imagine.
In this day and age, women (especially black women) are thriving and prospering more than ever! BLACK GIRL MAGIC is no longer just a hashtag. In the midst of this flourish, women are out here snatching any and everything we want: careers, businesses, degrees, houses, cars, etc. Why not a baby too? Boosie validated our independence from men back in 05 so what’s the problem?
Hold tight Sis. Before you let Boosie talk you into literally going half on a baby, I recommend that you first ask yourself these questions (be sure to step out of your feelings first):
- Why do you want to be a mother? – Motherhood in and of itself will likely be THE most challenging and rewarding job of your entire life, married or single. It is a job that, no matter how much BLACK GIRL MAGIC you have, you simply cannot fully prepare for. Do you want to be a mentor of sorts? Do you want someone to love you unconditionally and look up to you? Do you want someone who you can guide, groom and teach? There is no right or wrong answer here. The key is to be aware of where (internally) this urge for motherhood is coming from and determining whether or not this place is healthy for yourself AND a child.
- Why do you want to be a mother so much more than you want to first become a wife? – There is a big difference between choosing to do something because it is genuinely what you want versus choosing to do something because you think your options are limited (aka settling). If you’re simply getting older and haven’t found the right man yet, that’s fine. However, you should acknowledge it as a fear and understand that conceiving a child out of fear will likely cause harm to yourself, the gentleman you conceived with and most importantly, the child.
- What would you choose? – We all know that children do not ask to be here. But what if you could choose? What if YOU were given a choice to be born into a home with two parents as opposed to one? What would you decide? Talk to some of your friends who may be single parents and get their take on it. Not only that, but it really does take a village. Talk to your family and friends who you trust and see if you have their support. You may get a new and unexpected perspective.
Ultimately, your desire to be a mother shows that you want to be a good mother, and this starts at conception. Whatever you decide, just make sure that your child is conceived under circumstances that you can be at total peace with.