A few failed relationships later I am asking myself is it me? Tucked away tightly and put to bed are my daddy issues and my self-proclaimed obsession with loving and being loved. I often question my obsession for I’ve only seen images of a perfect love story in my and head and played out with my Barbie dolls. As a little girl I held tight to the dream of Ken and Barbie who lived in a perfect doll house with “ perfect “ hair and the “perfect” life was this all a part of Mattel’s strategic plan to fill the empty hopes and sell dreams to the lost little girls who subconsciously craved the love of her very first man who was obligated to show her how she was supposed to be loved?
Picture From: SurvivingDating.com
My cravings to be loved brought me to this very conclusion, after I lost myself laying there sprawled out across the bed completely naked literally and figuratively speaking, just the way he left me after another one of our passionate twenty-something lust making sessions, I rolled over and suddenly hit with reality when I reached the cold spot that was created from what was left of us on those sheets and on that day for whatever reasons after I’d lost count of the times we’d been here. Emotionally he wasn’t there after I screamed silent screams for him to do more than physically stimulate me I would turn a deaf ear to his response: “ I am not ready”
I heard him but did not listen, I was high so high off of my own supply, head spinning uncontrollably, pupils dilated, floating in the smoky haze of euphoria my veins are pulsating. So high forgetting that emotionally he was unavailable and I… I was inflicting my selfish, childish, schoolgirl desires of having this man love me when he isn’t capable of doing that. He was however, capable of lying to me to fulfill my dreams and desires of being loved and at that very moment when I opened up each and every faucet of being, poured out the crevices of my soul he got up, pulled up his pants and left.
And here we are at the beginning of understanding, its ME!
Remember that old saying: when someone shows you who they really are believe them. We must listen, we must believe those red flags, no matter how much glitter you think you possess in your secret place or your “perfect” homemade biscuit recipe it won’t change his mind. The Bible states in Proverbs 18:22 “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and he receives favor from the LORD. Not to be misinterpreted as: when a woman who finds the man that she wants she must lower her standards, fall flat on her face, allow her crown to drop and try and make a man be something that one: he isn’t supposed to be to you and or force him to be something that he isn’t ever destined to be. It was me, exhausting myself trying to do the latter, seeking my HIM in every man I met, overstaying my welcome in broken relationships and failing to serve eviction notices to those who weren’t fulfilling those duties.
I hated failing until I realized the beauty of healing. Remember as a kid you would fall and scrape your knee, the skin would break, It would bleed and sting it almost always felt like the pain would be forever, but as the days passed it hurt less and less and after weeks you would see new skin and sooner than later you’ve forgotten all about the scar at all. The healing process doesn’t change, you fall, it hurts and sometimes hurts like hell, you cry you pray you seek fortress in those positive things that you believe in, you mediate on those things of a good report, and you heal! Just like that!
Its ok for you to point that finger back at YOU, it’s not always him so before you run to your girlfriends, flood your Facebook and post MEMES to try and justify this heartache don’t forget on your journey to self-discovery you must first ask YOU. Is it ME?
By: LaShena “ LC “ Cross