Today I was reading a chapter in the book “Calling in the One” that pointed out the way society defines “needing others” as being “NEEDY” and how we have been taught to believe that we shouldn’t “need a man” or anyone else for that matter. The Author used this story to illustrate the point:
“Hell is like this. You enter a beautiful dining hall, decorated with the finest linens and china. Over in the corner, the orchestra plays exquisite music. You look around and see that everyone is dressed in elegant clothes. They are all sitting around tables abundant with fine food and drink. You think you’ve arrived….but, slowly you begin to see that there is something wrong. The people do not look happy. They look rather sad and confused. In spite of the magnificent food laid out before them, they cannot eat because the utensils they have are too large. Although they can manage to get the food onto their forks, they cannot get it into their mouths. The handles on their silverware are simply too long. You notice they are starving to death.””With heaven..you walk into the same scenario. Same fine linen and china, same exquisite music, same magnificent food, even the same utensils. Only this time, the people are laughing, smiling and having a wonderful time. And the only difference is that, while the people cannot feed themselves- they have learned to feed each other.”
For me, this was an aha moment! Being ‘Ms. Independent’ I have spent so long telling myself that I never want to “need” anyone for anything and now I realize how backwards that is because I’m the one missing out. That is what our relationships are supposed to be about; the exchange with one another.. the give and take, being in need of someone and them needing you in return. I had become so distant from people because I was proving to myself that I could do everything on my own. By not being clear about what I really needed, I had no way to recognize it when it showed up. It was important for me to realize exactly what my needs are so that I am able to recognize it when it shows up.
The book goes on to explain that when you are feeling “needy” in a relationship it is typically because that person isn’t willing or able to meet your needs. (RED FLAG!) You should never feel bad for needing something from someone you’re in a relationship with (including friendships and family relationships) because that’s what relationships are all about- being there for one another! You should also never feel the need to suppress your emotions or be afraid to express your needs. That is such a revelation to me and really a relief- that it’s OK to be needy and express your needs as long as you’re willing to meet their needs as well. When we need each other we both win. (Talk about a mind shift!)
I encourage you to take a moment and figure out just what your needs are..REALLY think about it. What is it going to take to make you happy? Because in all honesty, you don’t have to compromise, your needs are valid. What you do have to do is get CLEAR on what it’ll take to make you smile every single day…Then, you will be able to begin dating “on purpose.”
Dating on purpose doesn’t mean being petty or picky. It’s about knowing your limits, what you are and are not willing to deal with and what you cannot live without. There’s two parts: Defining and Denying.
Define your DEAL BREAKERS- the things you absolutely cannot put up with (serious things such as: him not wanting kids, having too many kids, having different spiritual beliefs, etc.)
Deny ANYONE who doesn’t fit the bill. Don’t deviate from the plan and don’t make excuses when you see the red flag. Stick to the script and don’t entertain anyone who can’t play the part. Simple as that. Half the battle is releasing the pointless people you’re holding on to for the sake of entertainment. When your intuition tells you he doesn’t meet your needs, let him go. ON TO THE NEXT! Think of it as auditioning men for the movie of your life..if they don’t fit the needs of this fabulous production, they can’t play the part.
I hope this helps you zero in a little bit closer on what it’ll take to get to your happy place..I’m walking in the sunshine over here 🙂
With SO Much LOVE,
For more blogs from Koereyelle, visit iamTheSingleWife.com