By now many of you have been victimized by this 50 Shades of Grey madness— or what our insatiable leading male would probably edit as “kinky f-ckery.” Perhaps you’ve even managed to pause mid romp scene #216969 just to read this blog. Special shout out to that! Sadly however and against my vagina’s will, I can’t quite bring out the pom-poms for this book, but that’s a review for when I cross the last page this week.

Nonetheless, I completely understand why when I Instagrammed a photo of the cover some weeks back, women went ham with fervent commentary. After all, the stunning Christian Grey and his stunning range of sadomasochistic desires are quite the sight to read. 382 pages of deviant fiction to be exact. But what about when there are no more pages left to turn? Where are the Grey guys in our world of non-fiction? Oh they’re around… well perhaps minus the filthy richness thing and level ten sadism, but dammit I’ve found some! So go and get your Anastasia Steel on with these couple hush-hush tales of dirty male escapes.

“I’m usually in relationships with dainty women, but I’d like to train with a sexy female boxer.Have her get all sweaty and really go in physically, real tough, not showing interest in anything more. After that she hits the showers then she comes back to me in nothing but her boxing robe and straddles me. Then she slides the robe off her shoulders without asking me if I want it because she already knows I want it. On some Rihanna “I know you wanna bite this.” She’s got it like that. Then she whispers to me “You train me now…” —Anonymous, 27

“I hate cops. But when I see a cute, female cop the hate plus now desire is tripled and I start thinking about how I wanna f-ck her on duty on some pants around her ankles, side-street back shots sex. And I wanna come on her uniform so she gets in trouble… you know any cops?” —Felton, 30*

“I’m a nasty dude, give me some twins. I’ll convince them it’s like masturbating…”

“Funny, an ex hit me about the 50 Shades book, because she remembered how I had always wanted to tie her up. Not the usual like arms against the bed post, I want legs, ankles, everything tied up. I want her body at my complete control. I know it sounds a bit much, promise I’m not trying to kill the girl lol, but something about knowing she has to completely let go of herself and trust only me, turns me on. I hope this book doesn’t make her do that shit with her new man. Yo I’d be pissed.”—Anonymous, 26

“I always wanted to have sex in a church. Something about catholic school girls and short skirts and my obsession with Prince and religion and my vampire fantasies. I have an oral fixation, but on the giving side. Love my face being ridden, nothing like it. So we’d probably do that in an aisle.”—Anonymous, 33

“Sneak into the neighbor’s backyard, skinnydip in their pool, then have sex on their lawn…”

“I’m a nasty dude, give me some twins. I won’t judge them for it, I’ll convince them it’s like masturbating or something haha. Nah, on the real though, two twins is my twisted fantasy. I picture it starting off as a game where they’re dressed in the same outfits and I have to guess who’s who by some questions. Whenever I get an answer right, a shirt comes off and so forth. Why I have this down to the details, I don’t know haha. Either way, I think you know what happens from there. Then it’s off to church!” —Anonymous, 24

“You know that Frank Ocean song where he wants to f-ck her outside like they’re Adam and Eve? That! Except maybe we sneak into the neighbor’s backyard. Skinnydip in their pool, then have sex on their lawn.” —Mark, 22

“I have no idea why I’m telling you this, but okay…… make sure this is anonymous Tracy! I thought about smashing my exgirlfriend’s mom before. I felt horrible about it, didn’t even want to come to her house because of it. It’s fucking weird, but I swear me and her moms had a lot of sexual tension. SMH. Again, why am I telling you this. I just would imagine sneaking up on her while she’s cooking in the kitchen and my girl’s somewhere, I don’t know in the bathroom or something and I lift her skirt up and yeah. All before my girl gets back. Told you, bad, but I was really young so yeah.”—Anonymous, 27

Perhaps I should’ve stamped this with a NSFW warning? Just… just… damn. Soooo does non-fiction read just as good as fiction lol? Or are perverse wet dreams better left unshared? Let’s hear it!

*Oh and Felton would like to give his apologies for sounding so crass: “This was taken at 1am ie: the magic hour lol.”

Laters baby,

T. (@trayhova)- from

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